Post by Pete' on Apr 16, 2014 10:39:00 GMT -6
all credit to me
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Kyle Katarn doesn't walk: he pushes the planet away from him.
Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain, pain feels Kyle Katarn.
When Kyle Katarn fires a blaster, there's no recoil. The universe moves forward a little.
Kyle Katarn CAN rip the ears off a Gundark, and its arms, and its legs...
Kyle Katarn can kiss a wookiee, and the wookiee will like it.
Super Star Destroyers were designed to fight the Moldy Crow.
Palpatines first sentence in his Dark Side Compendium is "Don't &$#@ with Kyle Katarn!"
The Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy to escape Kyle Katarn...
The Hoth asteroid field is made up of rocks that Kyle found in his shoes.
Darth Malak once tried to copy Kyle's beard. We know what happened next.
When Anakin Skywalker gets mad, he turns into Darth Vader. When Darth Vader gets mad, he turns into Kyle Katarn.
There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live.
Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him.
The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle
The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle
Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.
Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her.
Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn
The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon
There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol.
Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was to busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand.
Mustafar looks like it does because it's people once ticked Kyle off.
Utapau is full of holes for the same reason
There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in.
There are only two names with which you should address Kyle Katarn: Kyle, and Sir.
When the Moff proclaimed that the Death Star was the ultimate power in the galazy, it was because he had never heard of Kyle Katarn.
Kyle's so tough that when he climbs rocks he's not going up, he's pulling them down.
Kyle's so tough that when he gives the evil eye he can breach the fabric of time and space.
Palpatine built The Death Star because he couldn't get Kyle to work for him.
Kyle’s so tough that when he does a push-up, he’s pushing the planet away from him.
Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-traveling Kyle was his father.
Ewoks are just leftovers from when Kyle Katarn shaves his beard.
Chiss scientists created Alpha Red by synthesizing Kyle's urine.
Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Some people whine and cry after slaughtering a camp of Tusken Raiders. Kyle Katarn calls it target practice.
The account of Yun-Yuuzhan creating the universe by sacrificing parts of his body was just a day that Kyle decided to shave.
The Death Star was not supposed to have any weakness. They were planning to have Kyle Katarn stand inside the exhaust shaft.
Kyle Katarn visited the baby Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave him the gift of beard.
Kyle Katarn once shot a Star Destroyer down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In the cancelled LucasArts game "Dark Forces: Oregon Trail," Kyle's family doesn't die from cholera or dysentery, but rather from Bryar Pistol blasts and lightsaber blows. The programmers also didn't include a wagon, since he carried the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. They cancelled development when they realized that Kyle always made it to Oregon before the player.
Kyle gave his soul to Darth Sidious for his rugged good looks and unparalleled combat skills. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kyle shot Sidious in the face with his Bryar Pistol and took his soul back. Palpatine, who every so often appreciated irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. Kyle and Palpatine had a steady Sabacc game every second Wednesday of the month until Kyle let some other guy kill him.
If you can see Kyle Katarn, he can see you. If you can't see Kyle Katarn, you may be only seconds away from death.
Kyle Katarn once lightsabered someone so hard that his blade broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Darth Bane while he was training Darth Zannah.
If you ask Kyle Katarn what time it is, he always looks at his chrono and says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shoots you in the face with his Bryar Pistol.
Kyle Katarn lost his virginity before Morgan Katarn did.
Since around 22 BBY, when Kyle Katarn is believed to have been born, Bryar Pistol-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled beings. Only beings who have met Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn is currently suing Del Rey, claiming "Legacy" and "The Force" are trademarked names for his lightsaber and Bryar Pistol.
It was once believed that Kyle Katarn actually lost a fight to a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is a lie, created by Kyle Katarn himself to lure more Yuuzhan Vong to him. Yuuzhan Vong never were very smart.
Kyle Katarn won at Dejarik without ever moving a piece. He simply ripped the arm off of the Wookiee that was playing against him.
Kyle is Zonama Sekot's father.
In Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast players may see a screen that says "Game Over Kyle Katarn Has Died" This, however is a typo. It was supposed to say "Game Over Kyle Katarn Is Bored"
The Yuuzhan Vong took Coruscant and won the first half of the war because Kyle was sleeping. No one was brave enough to wake him up.
God won't let you touch Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn doesn't need to Flow Walk, he just scares space/time.
The Sun Crusher's missiles were so powerful because they contained a glob of Kyle's spit.
Tattooine wasn't always a desert. But one day Kyle got thirsty...
Grand Admiral Thrawn was one of Kyle Katarn's greatest students.
Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber.
Kyle Katarn once tried to use a lightsaber to trim his beard. Naturally, the lightsaber couldn't cut his beard. He then mined his stubble and cortosis was born.
When the Emperor died on DS2, Katarn travelled to Naboo to let the Gungans know that "Theysa free no more". After that, there was another parade.
Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple.
Kyle Katarn enjoys reading Popular Gardening magazine. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
Kyle Katarn once made the Kessel run in less than ten parsecs. When someone mentioned that parsecs had nothing to do with speed, Katarn sabered them for their ignorance. After all, he's Katarn.
Katarn only needs a ship to carry his multitude of Twi-lek dancers.
Kyle Katarn is fluent in over 8 million forms of communication.
Dark Forces was released in the GFFA as an historic account of events. Players complained there was a glitch that anytime they pressed a button, Katarn would slag away anything on the screen. When Katarn was informed of the mistake he said, "That's no glitch..."
Kyle's got a lightsaber when he was born; it was his first rattle.
Ganner and Kol Skywalker stole the line "None shall pass" from Kyle Katarn when an aqualish thug tried to butt in front of him in line.
Kyle Katarn's favorite snacks are jawas.
When Obi-wan told Luke that "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise...." Kyle got so mad that he reduced aunt Beru and uncle Owen to skeletons with a pocket shiv, just to prove the point.
There are no force sensitives - only people Kyle Katarn breathed on.
Anakin Skywalker was conceived when the dust of Tantooine made Kyle Katarn sneeze.
Kyle Katarn can win a game of connect four in only three moves.
Contrary to popular belief the GFFA is not a democracy, it is a Katarnatorship.
Kyle Katarn grinds his own caf with is teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas.
The original draft of Lord of the Rings featured Kyle Katarn instead of Frodo Baggins.
It was only 5 pages long as Kyle Katarn kicked Sauron's *** halfway through the first chapter.
A single hair plucked from Katarn's beard is enough to allow him to spear through Mandalorian armor.
There's an order to the universe: Space, Time, Kyle Katarn.....Just kidding, Kyle Katarn is first.
Kyle Katarn puts the "laughter" is manslaughter.
Force ghosts are actually caused by Kyle Katarn killing people faster than death can process them.
Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.
If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors
Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark
Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.
Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.
There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.
Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch
Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.
Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn.
From TKA-001:
The reason Kyle Katarn doesn't make shadowtroopers shat their pants when he's fighting them is because it's physically impossible to shat while wearing that armor.
When they first fought on Artus Prime, Kyle let Desann beat him because he was so tired from shagging Jan.
Kyle Katarn doesn't dodge lasers. He scares them away.
The only reason the Dark troopers dared to shoot at Kyle Katarn is because they mistook him for someone else.
Luke's torpedo destroyed the Death Star because Kyle Katarn wanted it to.
When he killed Jerec, Kyle Katarn didn't take all of the Valley of the Jedi's power because he didn't need it.
From The Seeker:
The only reason Kyle Katarn didn't marry Princess Leia is so Han and Luke would pull their own weight and he wouldn't have to do everything by himself to save the galaxy. He totally had sex with her though. Totally.
---------------------------------------------
Kyle Katarn doesn't walk: he pushes the planet away from him.
Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain, pain feels Kyle Katarn.
When Kyle Katarn fires a blaster, there's no recoil. The universe moves forward a little.
Kyle Katarn CAN rip the ears off a Gundark, and its arms, and its legs...
Kyle Katarn can kiss a wookiee, and the wookiee will like it.
Super Star Destroyers were designed to fight the Moldy Crow.
Palpatines first sentence in his Dark Side Compendium is "Don't &$#@ with Kyle Katarn!"
The Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy to escape Kyle Katarn...
The Hoth asteroid field is made up of rocks that Kyle found in his shoes.
Darth Malak once tried to copy Kyle's beard. We know what happened next.
When Anakin Skywalker gets mad, he turns into Darth Vader. When Darth Vader gets mad, he turns into Kyle Katarn.
There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live.
Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him.
The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle
The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle
Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.
Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her.
Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn
The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon
There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol.
Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was to busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand.
Mustafar looks like it does because it's people once ticked Kyle off.
Utapau is full of holes for the same reason
There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in.
There are only two names with which you should address Kyle Katarn: Kyle, and Sir.
When the Moff proclaimed that the Death Star was the ultimate power in the galazy, it was because he had never heard of Kyle Katarn.
Kyle's so tough that when he climbs rocks he's not going up, he's pulling them down.
Kyle's so tough that when he gives the evil eye he can breach the fabric of time and space.
Palpatine built The Death Star because he couldn't get Kyle to work for him.
Kyle’s so tough that when he does a push-up, he’s pushing the planet away from him.
Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-traveling Kyle was his father.
Ewoks are just leftovers from when Kyle Katarn shaves his beard.
Chiss scientists created Alpha Red by synthesizing Kyle's urine.
Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Some people whine and cry after slaughtering a camp of Tusken Raiders. Kyle Katarn calls it target practice.
The account of Yun-Yuuzhan creating the universe by sacrificing parts of his body was just a day that Kyle decided to shave.
The Death Star was not supposed to have any weakness. They were planning to have Kyle Katarn stand inside the exhaust shaft.
Kyle Katarn visited the baby Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave him the gift of beard.
Kyle Katarn once shot a Star Destroyer down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In the cancelled LucasArts game "Dark Forces: Oregon Trail," Kyle's family doesn't die from cholera or dysentery, but rather from Bryar Pistol blasts and lightsaber blows. The programmers also didn't include a wagon, since he carried the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. They cancelled development when they realized that Kyle always made it to Oregon before the player.
Kyle gave his soul to Darth Sidious for his rugged good looks and unparalleled combat skills. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kyle shot Sidious in the face with his Bryar Pistol and took his soul back. Palpatine, who every so often appreciated irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. Kyle and Palpatine had a steady Sabacc game every second Wednesday of the month until Kyle let some other guy kill him.
If you can see Kyle Katarn, he can see you. If you can't see Kyle Katarn, you may be only seconds away from death.
Kyle Katarn once lightsabered someone so hard that his blade broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Darth Bane while he was training Darth Zannah.
If you ask Kyle Katarn what time it is, he always looks at his chrono and says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shoots you in the face with his Bryar Pistol.
Kyle Katarn lost his virginity before Morgan Katarn did.
Since around 22 BBY, when Kyle Katarn is believed to have been born, Bryar Pistol-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled beings. Only beings who have met Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn is currently suing Del Rey, claiming "Legacy" and "The Force" are trademarked names for his lightsaber and Bryar Pistol.
It was once believed that Kyle Katarn actually lost a fight to a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is a lie, created by Kyle Katarn himself to lure more Yuuzhan Vong to him. Yuuzhan Vong never were very smart.
Kyle Katarn won at Dejarik without ever moving a piece. He simply ripped the arm off of the Wookiee that was playing against him.
Kyle is Zonama Sekot's father.
In Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast players may see a screen that says "Game Over Kyle Katarn Has Died" This, however is a typo. It was supposed to say "Game Over Kyle Katarn Is Bored"
The Yuuzhan Vong took Coruscant and won the first half of the war because Kyle was sleeping. No one was brave enough to wake him up.
God won't let you touch Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn doesn't need to Flow Walk, he just scares space/time.
The Sun Crusher's missiles were so powerful because they contained a glob of Kyle's spit.
Tattooine wasn't always a desert. But one day Kyle got thirsty...
Grand Admiral Thrawn was one of Kyle Katarn's greatest students.
Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber.
Kyle Katarn once tried to use a lightsaber to trim his beard. Naturally, the lightsaber couldn't cut his beard. He then mined his stubble and cortosis was born.
When the Emperor died on DS2, Katarn travelled to Naboo to let the Gungans know that "Theysa free no more". After that, there was another parade.
Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple.
Kyle Katarn enjoys reading Popular Gardening magazine. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
Kyle Katarn once made the Kessel run in less than ten parsecs. When someone mentioned that parsecs had nothing to do with speed, Katarn sabered them for their ignorance. After all, he's Katarn.
Katarn only needs a ship to carry his multitude of Twi-lek dancers.
Kyle Katarn is fluent in over 8 million forms of communication.
Dark Forces was released in the GFFA as an historic account of events. Players complained there was a glitch that anytime they pressed a button, Katarn would slag away anything on the screen. When Katarn was informed of the mistake he said, "That's no glitch..."
Kyle's got a lightsaber when he was born; it was his first rattle.
Ganner and Kol Skywalker stole the line "None shall pass" from Kyle Katarn when an aqualish thug tried to butt in front of him in line.
Kyle Katarn's favorite snacks are jawas.
When Obi-wan told Luke that "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise...." Kyle got so mad that he reduced aunt Beru and uncle Owen to skeletons with a pocket shiv, just to prove the point.
There are no force sensitives - only people Kyle Katarn breathed on.
Anakin Skywalker was conceived when the dust of Tantooine made Kyle Katarn sneeze.
Kyle Katarn can win a game of connect four in only three moves.
Contrary to popular belief the GFFA is not a democracy, it is a Katarnatorship.
Kyle Katarn grinds his own caf with is teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas.
The original draft of Lord of the Rings featured Kyle Katarn instead of Frodo Baggins.
It was only 5 pages long as Kyle Katarn kicked Sauron's *** halfway through the first chapter.
A single hair plucked from Katarn's beard is enough to allow him to spear through Mandalorian armor.
There's an order to the universe: Space, Time, Kyle Katarn.....Just kidding, Kyle Katarn is first.
Kyle Katarn puts the "laughter" is manslaughter.
Force ghosts are actually caused by Kyle Katarn killing people faster than death can process them.
Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.
If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors
Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark
Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.
Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.
There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.
Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch
Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.
Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn.
From TKA-001:
The reason Kyle Katarn doesn't make shadowtroopers shat their pants when he's fighting them is because it's physically impossible to shat while wearing that armor.
When they first fought on Artus Prime, Kyle let Desann beat him because he was so tired from shagging Jan.
Kyle Katarn doesn't dodge lasers. He scares them away.
The only reason the Dark troopers dared to shoot at Kyle Katarn is because they mistook him for someone else.
Luke's torpedo destroyed the Death Star because Kyle Katarn wanted it to.
When he killed Jerec, Kyle Katarn didn't take all of the Valley of the Jedi's power because he didn't need it.
From The Seeker:
The only reason Kyle Katarn didn't marry Princess Leia is so Han and Luke would pull their own weight and he wouldn't have to do everything by himself to save the galaxy. He totally had sex with her though. Totally.
